Is this all there is?

I am really, REALLY struggling with my life lately. Struggling with getting myself out of bed every morning and struggling with getting through the days with a feeling of accomplishment at all. I don’t think it’s depression. I think it’s… well, a combination of a lot of things. Maybe I’m going through some sort of phase, or some sort of mid-life crisis. I don’t know what it is, but it’s making my life a lot harder than it probably should be.

I don’t want to complain about my life because there is really nothing to complain about, in a general sense. I’m not starving, I’m not so poor I can’t clothe myself, I have nice things, I live in a nice neighborhood, I have the best husband anyone could ask for, I have a supportive family (for the most part…), I have the things that people should be content with. I just feel like my life is becoming so pointless.

I used to think, randomly, every now and then… this is not what we were meant to do… get up almost every single day and spend a LARGE portion of the day in a small cube doing senseless tasks. But that idea has entered my head on a more frequent basis lately. I don’t want to get up in the morning for work anymore. And the tiniest things at work are driving me crazy. I used to be able to tolerate the little issues that bothered me about working here. It seems that those issues have ballooned into something that might not be so tolerable after all. Which leads me to think… once this housing market gets better, I’m outta here. I’m out of this job, I’m out of this state… it’s time to move on to something better, something more worthwhile, something that can get me out of bed like this job used to.

I’m not sure what it is that really bothers me the most, some days it’s like it used to be though – like I think to myself…I love this job! I love these people! bla bla bla. Those days are becoming fewer and fewer, it’s sad. This job is probably better than most out there, but I think I can do better for myself. I didn’t think when I was a young child… wow, I really really want to be in logistics when I grow up! Yeah, right. This is probably the furthest, well, pretty far off from what I originally had ever wanted to do. That really saddens me… but, it does pay the bills and it’s not the worst job in the world and I do enjoy a portion of the people that work here.

The little things about this job that bother me… the favoritism, the unfair issues, etc. Of course those are going to be everywhere, but I kind of feel like all that I can do with myself at this company has been done. I’m not going to be promoted anytime soon and this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life, that’s for damn sure. I just need to find something comprable in pay and benefits and I think I’m out of here. Hopefully I will be able to save some of the friendships that I have acquired here. And I will be so overjoyed to leave these other people behind. So overjoyed….you have no idea.

I think maybe I need to work for a larger company or something. The combination of friendship and work just doesn’t mix for me… as far as owners/managers. It rubs me entirely the wrong way and I am pretty much done dealing with it all. I have other things in life that I should be stressing about, that is not one of them.

And this may just be a phase too. It seems like the onset of “spring” seems to have messed me up. I’m not sure if it’s because we had a taste and then it was blown away by a blizzard and now it’s back or … I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s the dreary weather with little sun and the brown, ugly ground everywhere. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been feeling misunderstood and frustrated…with everything almost. Sucks. At any rate, I hope that there is more to this life for me than what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years. I feel like the rest of my life is waiting for me, somewhere… hiding. How in the world do I transition from something I’ve been so comfortable with for so long, to something new and scary??

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